D’ya hear yer man

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Time to Stalk

You’re not going to believe this, but I’ve got myself a stalker.

Every evening when I sit down to relax after my tea, there she is staring in my front window. I close the blinds in the hope she’ll go away, but 30 minutes later, when I peak out again through cracked Venetians, she’s still there.

Even when I close the curtains, turn off the lights and go upstairs to bed she doesn’t budge. The last thing I see before I switch off the landing light is her face, illuminated by streetlight, smiling at me, begging me to make her my number one.

The sooner this election is over and Dawn Purvis takes down her poster outside our house the better!

Bad day for our boys

Sunday was a bad day for sport in Northern Ireland with the Ulster Rugby team bowing out of the Heineken Cup at the quarter final stages and Rory McIlroy’s Masters dream turning into a nightmare on the final day.

Rory’s loss of form in Augusta was Charl Schwartzel’s gain. As Rory faltered, the South African climbed the leaderboard to take his first major title.

After winning the US Masters, the first person Charl picked out of the crowd was his girlfriend Rosalind Jacobs. It was a touching moment. Then it occurred to me what must have be going through her head.

“I’m dating golf’s hottest property,” she thinks to herself as she holds the Masters winner tight amid the camera flashes and cheers. “My boyfriend is a role model for young children all around the world and the media are already starting to court me - his blonde, attractive girlfriend. It doesn’t get any better than this! What could possibly go wrong?”

Charl walks away and seconds later she sees him sharing a laugh with Tiger Woods in the clubhouse. At this point she contacts her lawyer to draw up a comprehensive pre-nuptial agreement.

Back stage pass

Jenna, the Lurgan Mail receptionist, is on Cloud Nine this week. It makes a change from Cloud Cuckooland.

You may be aware that Jenna is a fan of Westlife. Her level of support for the Irish band falls somewhere between devotion and stalking (maybe she’s been hanging out with Dawn Purvis).

Seeing Westlife twice in two days in the Odyssey last week was not enough to satisfy Jenna’s craving so she’s gone and got herself a backstage pass to the next Westlife concert in London.

If I had to go to a Westlife concert back stage is where I’d want to be. Ideally I’d be chilling with a few cold beers while the band were on stage and out of earshot.

A tale of two shirts

I attended the funeral last week of a Scouting legend in the town - Jim Ogle. At the service, past and present members of the organisation were encouraged to wear their Scout uniform.

After the funeral as I walked back through the town centre in my Scout shirt, scarf and woggle I got a few funny looks.

One man in particular, who was leaning against a summer seat, smoking a cigarette and engaging in colourful conversation, paused to gawk at me as if I was wearing no clothes at all.

He was wearing a Manchester United shirt. I was wearing my Scout shirt.

I’m in the Scouts, I’ve every right to wear the shirt. I can be fairly sure that the bloke giving me the wide-eyed stare has never and will never play for Man Utd.

Unless Sir Alex is on the look out for a foul-mouthed, chain-smoking striker who looks like a cross between a cartoon character and a gangster’s henchman.

But why would he require such an individual? He’s already got Wayne Rooney.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: A doughnut.

This week I’ve got a few brainteasers from local quizmaster Jim Casey, who is featured in Time to Talk opposite. Here’s Jim’s questions: 1. When Alan Ball won his World Cup in 1966 with England, what club was he with? 2. Saloth Star became which dictator? 3. Who was the first American in space?