D’ya hear yer man

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The boy who cried baby

I normally love a good April Fool’s prank but this year I thought better of it.

On Monday Karen had exactly one week of her pregnancy to go so realistically the only April Fool I could have pulled was to text close friends and relatives to say Karen had gone into labour.

But then, having used Karen’s impending visit to the maternity unit to trick people, what if it really happened? What if Karen really went into labour and everyone took me for the boy who cried wolf, or, in this case, baby.

I imagined phoning the hospital to say my wife had gone into labour and them telling me, “Aren’t you the man who used his wife’s impending labour as an April Fool’s gag? Away and chase yourself.”

Then I’d have to deliver the baby myself with only Lucy by my side to fetch hot towels and administer anaesthetic.

And so, when I eventually sent a text to say that Lucy and I had successfully delivered the baby, everyone would say, “Aye right, that’s the worst April Fool’s prank I’ve ever heard.”

Coat wrestling

Because Karen is due to burst at any minute, I have to be able to drive her to the hospital at the drop of a hat.

As a consequence I’ve not been drinking this past few weeks, which threw up an odd conundrum when I ventured out to the pub on Saturday night with my mates to watch the Ulster v Leinster game.

I love pubs nearly as much as I love April Fool’s, but being stone-cold sober in a public house is not a sensation I am accustomed to. Especially when watching sport. What are you supposed to do with your right hand during a game if you haven’t got a pint in it? Answers on a postcard, or perhaps more appropriately, a beer mat.

One thing I did like about being sober in the pub was the fact that it gives you an ‘access all areas’ pass to the moral high ground.

Shortly after Ulster had triumphed over Leinster, we found a new sport to watch.

It was called coat wrestling and involved a very drunk man trying to put his jacket on.

At one point I had to leave and use the toilet as the tension was getting unbearable.

15 minutes later, he succeeded in putting his coat on, though he was sure to be penalised by the judges for having it on back to front and upside down. As he left the bar he was stopped by a similar-sized man, who shouted, “Oi, that’s my coat”.

It was an automatic disqualification for the man, who in his drunken haze had lifted a jacket from the coat rack that was a similar size and colour to his, but did not in fact belong to him.

It reminded me of the time I left the pub with something that belonged to someone else. The bloke who it belonged to was raging. He came running out after me and demanded that I returned his girlfriend at once.

Another joke

Before the rumours start, that last bit about leaving the pub with another bloke’s girlfriend was a joke.

I am not the sort of guy who leads another man’s girlfriend astray. In fact, I’m more likely to lead the bloke himself astray than I am his woman.

Having re-read that last line it could be taken to mean something very different. Perhaps it’s best to stop digging and move on.

What I’m trying to explain is, not everything you read in this column is 100 per cent factually correct. Often the truth is distorted, or I adopt an exaggerated persona, in order to raise a smile.

Otherwise every week I’d be writing about such mundanities as forgetting my pass for work or never being able to find a pair of scissors in the house.

I like to try the odd homemade joke from time to time. Most of them fail miserably, but every now and again I manage to gain a laugh.

While we’re on the subject, here’s another joke I baked myself that I’d like you to try. If you don’t like it, my advice is to spit it out into a tissue.

I know this guy who works on a farm.

Every day of the week he’s up to his eyes in manure, working the land and tending to his animals.

At the weekend he dresses up in women’s clothing and calls himself Sue.

Transfarmers - there’s more than meets the eye.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: Rendezvous - the only word in the English dictionary that has a silent ‘z’. Yes, I know it’s originally French, but it is now commonplace in the English language.

Here’s this week’s teaser: Which six-letter word has the same pair of letters in places 1 and 5, a different pair in places 2 and 6 and contains a ‘u’ in between?