D’ya hear yer man

Pancakes on Tuesday

Tuesday was Pancake Day and also International Women’s Day. Who planned that?

How was supposed to ask my wife to have pancakes ready for me coming home without sounding like a misogynist pig.

Monday night takeaway

On Monday night we forgot to leave anything out for tea so we had to be naughty and get a Chinese takeaway.

A Monday night Chinese felt so wrong and out of place - like drinking Harp on a luxury yacht or wearing a football shirt to the Opera.

We opted to phone through the order then collect it.

Apart from Saturdays our local Chinese runs a pretty tight ship. When it comes to Saturdays you might as well be ordering a piece of furniture as opposed to a sliced chicken supper. To begin you need to phone a couple of days in advance then you’re given the choice of an afternoon or evening delivery slot. Then they take your mobile number so they can give you a buzz to make sure you’re in before making the drop off.

Anyway, we ordered a 12, 34 and 48 - it’s the closest I get to doing the Lottery.

When we went down to collect it I was a couple of minutes early so I turned my attention to the ‘waiting table’ adorned with a plate of pawed-over prawn crackers and a mountain of magazines. I flicked through the magazines. I can’t remember the exact names of them, but I think there was ‘She’, ‘Me’, ‘Bella’, ‘Ella’, ‘Hello’, ‘Hi’, ‘OK’, ‘A Bit Poorly’, ‘Bout ye?’, ‘Dead On’ and ‘Trash’.

Every single one of them targeted female readers. They bulged with ‘real life’ stories and celebrity gossip. I found myself getting sucked in. I reckon these magazines have an agreement that each week, if one of them publishes a ‘sweet’ story about Jordan, another will publish a ‘sour’ story, while another will do a ‘spicy’ one.

As for this whole A-list, B-list, C-list and D-list celebrity ranking - what I want to know is, do these rankings come from a proper chart? Is it only available to journalists who collect enough milk bottle tops? And why do we never hear about H-list or U-list celebrities? Once you become a celebrity are you automatically D-list by default?

I looked at the colourful montage of magazines on the ‘waiting table’ and recalled the last time I was in the doctors’ surgery and was greeted with a similar pile of women’s lifestyle magazines. The dentists was the same. And, although it was a very long time ago, the last time I went to the hairdressers, I remember women were the only people catered for by the magazine pile.

I heard a voice call me to tell me my Chinese was ready. I checked the bag on the counter. Free prawn crackers. Nice one! I have never seen any money change hands for prawn crackers, yet it’s one of the most disappointing things in the world when they decide you haven’t been greedy enough with your food order to merit them.

On the way home I started thinking about the magazines again. Women complain about men reading magazines on the loo. The only reason women don’t read on the toilet is because after they’ve been to the doctors, dentists, hairdressers and Chinese they’ve nothing left to read.

In a weird way, I hope several readers are on the loo when they read this. Some would argue the toilet is the only suitable place to read this column.

Now, don’t forget to wash your hands!

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: Ian is a baby, which is why he couldn’t do anything about the men stealing the things from the apartment.

Here’s this week’s teaser: Ginger De Beer took the slip road off the motorway and drove his taxi into the city centre. At the taxi rank in the middle of the city a man flagged down his cab. Pinto McGuinness got into the taxi holding a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine.

“Where are you for, my good man?” asked Ginger.

“I’m off to 362 Lakeside Lane for the time of my life,” replied Pinto.

Ginger drove off, saying nothing. When he reached a quiet part of suburbs he stopped the taxi and asked Pinto to step out of the car. Ginger reached into the boot, retrieved his car jack and used it to club Pinto over the head. He left the man lying by the roadside.

What was Ginger’s motive for the attack?