D’ya hear yer man

Weather warning

An ill wind came a blowin’ through Lurgan Mail HQ on Monday. Severe gusts had the ‘MAIL’ staff reeling as an angry cloud took rest at the summit of the building. But that’s enough about Clint’s return to work after his week off...

A family affair

Visiting relatives tends to be a quiet, dignified affair. Unless you’re Barack Obama in which case cameras and fireworks are the order of the day.

It seems to be much easier for people in positions of power to trace their ancestors than it is for you and me. For example, our photographer Geoff is doing a bit of research into his family tree, but because he hasn’t the same clout as Obama he hasn’t really got much further than his granny’s great aunt.

All Obama has to do is click his fingers and someone will be on hand with an encyclopedia detailing his family history back to the time of the dinosaurs. We’re told that an ancestor of Obama’s hailed from Moneygall in County Offaly.

I read somewhere that about 34 million people in the United States claim Irish heritage. I’m just wondering if this was a regular Joe and not the American President coming over here to get in touch with his roots would we take his claims of Irish heritage as seriously.

Personally I can’t see the point in the whole family tree business. What do people hope to find out be tracing their family back through the centuries...

Historian: “You’ll never guess what we’ve found out. It would appear your great, great, great grandfather had a great, great, great, great uncle whose brother-in-law fought in the Napoleonic Wars. Isn’t that amazing?”

Man: “Indeed it is! That is truly amazing news! I knew this painstaking and costly family tree research was not in vain.”

Historian: “I suppose you’re dying to get on the phone to tell your sister and only surviving relative about this wonderful discovery?”

Man: “No, I haven’t spoken to her in 25 years.”

I’m of the opinion that it’s more important to keep in touch with our relatives in the immediate timeline rather dwell on the distant past. But that hasn’t stopped me having a bit of fun with my family tree.

When I was at school I told people my uncle was Wycombe Wanderers footballer Jason Cousins and my cousin was Tina Cousins who sang Mysterious Times with Sash!

No one believed me. But then I was no Barack Obama. Had I been in a position of greater authority, for example a House Prefect, they’d have had no choice but to swear allegiance to my home-spun ancestry.

By the way, did I ever tell you that ice skater Robin Cousins is my dad’s second cousin.

Aye, aye, captain

I handed over the captaincy of Lurgan Seconds at last week’s Rugby Club AGM to David Harvey. It was a privilege to captain the Mighty Twos and I’ve no doubt Harv will carry on the proud tradition. Harv is the sort of man who will lead his team through a brick wall. Under my captaincy, when faced with a brick wall, my approach was to look for a door.

After a long, hard, but very enjoyable season I’ll say this - I may not act my age, but I certainly feel it.

Knock out blow

It was with a heavy heart I learned last week that former WWF wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage died in a car accident. It took me back to my youth and after a bit of research I found out a number of my other childhood heroes from the wrestling world are deceased - The British Bulldog, Mr Perfect, Big Boss Man, Hawk from Legion of Doom.

Given the short lifespan of wrestlers it makes it all the more amazing that The Undertaker is still going strong at the age of 46. When he finally passes to the other side I wonder who will look after his funeral.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: 1 Giant Leap For Mankind, 3 Blind Mice, See How They Run and 9 Planets in the Solar System

Here’s this week’s puzzle: This sentance containes two misstakes.

How many errors are there in the sentence above?