D’ya hear yer man

Bad reception

Jenna has risen to fame as the Lurgan Mail receptionist with a habit of putting her mouth in gear before her brain. But Jenna, you can rest easy, because your buddy from the reception desk has meant you are not the target of Yer Man’s cheap shots this week. Antoinette, the receptionist the ‘MAIL’ staff always credited with a bit more gumption, made us reconsider our evaluation following her actions last week.

She left the office at the normal time on Wednesday, and as is regularly the case, she was getting picked up by her father. Antoinette got into the car with her dad and told him how her day had been, bemoaned her fate at having a desk next to the staff toilets and asked what was for tea - the usual post-work banter. The only problem was her dad wasn’t in the car she’d just got into. Nor was it her dad’s car. Unfortunately for Antoinette she’d just made herself at home beside a stranger. Her defence is he was driving the same car as her dad and parked in the area where he usually parks. She apologised and exited the car giving off a warm glow that could be felt from here to Portadown.

As soon as I found about her mishap on Thursday via an anonymous little birdie I went downstairs to reception to give her some stick. She was nowhere to be seen. I found her next door behind the counter in McQueen’s jewellers. I suggested she may want to put her current surroundings under a little more scrutiny. She looked around and the penny dropped. Antoinette apologised for the mix up and made to leave the jewellers. In actual fact, McQueen’s were reluctant to let her go. She’d sold two watches, three rings and a silver spoon for a baby’s christening.

By Friday I’d hoped Antoinette was over her blonde phase. I asked if she he’d had anything nice for tea the night before. She said she’d gone out for a romantic dinner with her husband Matt for the most gorgeous Chinese meal. The only downside had been half-way through the main course when she’d realised they were in a Mexican restaurant.

Monday arrived and I was sure the real Antoinette would return. I asked her if she watched any of the sport on the telly over the weekend. She said she’d watched the Champions League final. She said it was a great game, but the only thing that ruined it for her was the players kept picking the ball up and kicking it over the bar. I broke the news to her that she may have been watching Armagh beat Down and she began to celebrate, overjoyed that the Orchard County had overcome their close rivals.

Antoinette asked me nicely not to mention any of her blunders in the paper this week. Well, at least she thought she asked me nicely, she’d actually asked a stranger who’d wandered in off the street to place a classified ad for a lawnmower.

Back in business

Since coming back from Australia my sister has been looking for a job. She’s a qualified pharmacist and the good news is in the last few days she’s found a bit of work as a locum.

Now that she’s back in business as a pharmacist, Sian needs to be careful who she tells. She is a member of a prescribed organisation after all.

Lovers’ tiff

Since leaving the X Factor over here and trying to make it in America Cheryl Tweedy has come in for a bit of stick. Some people have taken it so personally. It’s worse than a Dear Deirdre letter.

Dear Deirdre,

I feel so cheated on. I trusted Cheryl with all my heart, then she just packed her bags and left to try and cosy up with that Uncle Sam fella. If she thinks she can swan back here and pretend as if nothing’s happened, she’s got another thing coming. The problem is, a minute doesn’t pass when I’m not thinking about her. What should I do?

Yours, Enda X Factor

Dear Enda,

You’re angry because the intention was there for Cheryl to present herself to another suitor. But the truth of it is she didn’t get even get to first base. Perhaps fate was at work. In this case you also need to look at yourself. It’s not like you’ve been squeaky clean. No sooner was she away than you’d begun weighing up possible replacements. My advice is give it a week and you’ll realise you were meant for each other and you’ll be sending her drunken texts at 3am suggesting you give it another try.

Yours, Deirdre

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: four mistakes, three spelling and one factual.

Here’s this week’s puzzle: How many sides does a circle have?