D’ya hear yer man

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Dirty work

I love Karen’s hair. I really, really love it. It’s in my list of her top ten features.

However there are also times when I hate her hair. Like when some of her locks have fallen out during vigorous shampooing and have to be removed from the drain in the shower where it has accumulated.

Karen has told me that because of her delicate state - ie being pregnant - she is not allowed to go near bathroom cleaning products. Who am I to question the preaching of a pregnant female?

It’s not like I never clean the bathroom. I’m just not as good at it as Karen which is why I let her do it the majority of the time. I wouldn’t say I’m loving my new role as bathroom cleaner, but I’m doing it nonetheless. Part of the dirty work involves removing her stray hairs from the shower drain.

People can mock my bald head, but at least my smooth finish means that I’m not responsible for any bathroom blockages. Well, not of the sort I’ve just mentioned anyway.

Catch 22

It’s not often I’ll watch golf, given that I don’t really like it, but on Sunday night I sat up to watch fellow countryman Rory McIlroy win the US Open.

Yes, I’ll admit I’m a glory hunter, but you have to give the young man credit where it’s due. To win by such a margin is unbelievable and when you consider he’s only 22 it makes his achievement all the more amazing.

At the age of 22 Rory McIlroy is leading the way on the golf course. When I was 22 I was a student bluffing my way through an environmental science course.

Rory has to decided whether to use a nine-iron or pitching wedge. My biggest decision back then was whether to have takeaway or ‘cook’ Super Noodles.

Rory has won three quarters of a million pounds prize money for the US Open. My crowning glory at the age of 22 was winning a crate of Barcardi Breezer at a mid-week pub quiz. Once shared between the six team members we only got two bottles each.

With Rory being golf’s hottest property it will soon be the case when he’s not able to leave the house because of the paparazzi on his doorstep. I can sympathise, when I was at university I once couldn’t leave the house because the handle has broken off my bedroom door. To make matters worse prior to the handle falling off I’d just woken up to find, how do I put this politely, that I’d toasted my buns on the radiator beside my bed.

When I was eventually freed I had to seek the assistance of a nurse who administered a soothing gel to my blistered behind. The ‘end’ result was I had to do two of my final year exams standing up.

Anyway, being on top of the world at 22 is all well and good but I wonder whether Rory will have a column in his hometown paper by the time he’s 33. The truth is, he probably could if he wanted.

I’m genuinely pleased for Rory, but every time I see his unruly hairdo I can’t help but think of the state of the drain in his shower.

Puzzling behaviour

With the baby on the way things really have got a lot more sensible in the Cousins household. I arrived home on Friday having splashed £15 on what was to be the weekend’s entertainment. Six months ago that same £15 might have been spent on nibbles and alcohol. However, now I’ve discovered something even more rewarding than stuffing one’s face and getting slightly intoxicated... jigsaws!

It was with much excitement that I ripped off the cellophane, squeaked open the box and revealed the polythene bag filled with 1,000 colourful delights. I emptied it onto the table and we breathed in that new jigsaw smell. Bliss.

We got to work turning over the pieces and picking out the edge bits. After an hour Karen declared she’d had enough and said she needed to lie down. I kept going, spurred on by the picture that was taking shape.

It was getting close to midnight when Karen called me to bed, reminding me that I had an early start in the morning. I couldn’t be drawn away. Just one more bit, I kept telling myself. I’m done as soon as I can get this line finished. Once I’ve found the lady’s hat I’ll come to bed. I’m in control, I can stop whenever I want.

Karen woke me at the table the next morning with bits of puzzle stuck to my face. Once the jigsaw is finished she has suggested I go back on the Harp instead.

Weekly teaser

The answer to the last teaser was: Margaret Thatcher - the British Prime Minister with no wife.

Here’s this week’s teaser: There is something in London which can also be seen in Paris and New York. What is it?