D’ya hear yer man

editorial image

Ex communicated

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for nearly a third of my life. That’s either pretty good going or pretty grim reading depending on your experience of long-term relationships.

Despite being with the one I love, I’m sure I’m not alone in reminiscing from time to time about former partners. I thought I’d share some of my past experiences with you this week.

Many years ago I went out with a female wrestler - I didn’t fancy her but she had a real crush on me.

I dated a ballerina for a while. She was very timid and when she asked me to learn to dance with her I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wasn’t interested. For the rest of that relationship I ended up tip-toeing round her.

I spent six months with a girl who worked as a sales rep for Alphabetti Spaghetti. I told her I didn’t like tomato-flavoured pasta shapes, but every night she made me eat my words.

I remember going out with this hairdresser for a time. We weren’t suited at all and I ended up seeing someone else while we were still officially in a relationship.

I think the only reason I stuck with my hairdresser girlfriend was the free haircuts. One Thursday night I called up to her salon to see her and get a short back and sides.

Through the window I saw my girlfriend talking to the other woman I was seeing. I waited until she left before I went in. I asked my girlfriend who she’d been speaking to and braced myself to face the music.

“Just one of my customers,” she said. “Do you still want me to cut your hair?” she added.

When she’d finished she asked me what I thought of it. “That was a close shave,” was my reply.

After the episode at the salon I took a break from dating for a while. I turned to the church and sought solace as a monk, but wouldn’t you know I got seconded to Buckfast Abbey and it all went downhill from there.

I was so desperate for love that I ended up on a date with a female scarecrow - I was clutching at straws.

Thankfully I eventually found the love of my life.

But saying as you can’t marry Sky Sports I made my vows with the next best thing.

Karen, you know I love you with every ventricle, atrium and pulmonary artery of my heart and that all the things written above are the stuff of nonsense in the interest of a few cheap laughs. Unfortunately the soppy truth doesn’t make for as good reading.

Over the coals

Lurgan Mail editor Clint Aiken is going over the coals in a couple of weeks.

About time, I hear you say.

It’s not what you think - his journey over the coals will be a literal one, not figurative. He’ll be taking off his shoes and socks - dear help us all - and walking over hot coals in aid of Assisi Animal Sanctuary.

Clint has billed it as an elaborate way to get rid of Athlete’s foot. And that’s the only time you’re likely to see Clint included in the same sentence as the word ‘Athlete’.

I’ve included an artist’s impression of how Clint’s walk over the coals might look.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: the word ‘wholesome’.

Here’s this week’s: What is the same size and shape as a hippopotamus, but weighs much less?