D’ya hear yer man

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Adding insult to injury

I was changing gears in the car on Friday when I discovered my left shoulder was incredibly sore.

I have absolutely no idea what I did to give myself a sore shoulder. One minute my shoulder was functioning as a shoulder should and the next it wasn’t fit for purpose.

Not knowing the origins of my shoulder injury pains me even more than the injury itself.

At least when I used to pick up sports injuries I knew exactly where they’d come from. Whether it was from a crunching tackle during a game of football or getting trapped at the bottom of a ruck during a rugby match I was happy that at least I knew where my ailment had come from.

With the omission of any obvious source I’ve had to put my shoulder problem down to age.

Just like pieces of electrical equipment, once human beings reach a certain age it’s taken for granted that they are likely to stop working without cause or notification.

A few days before contracting my unexplained shoulder impairment I sustained another injury the cause of which I can pinpoint to an accuracy of 100%.

In my own living room, with my father and daughter looking on, I suffered a nasty gash to my buttock, picked up in circumstances that can only been described as ‘acting the young buck’.

It happened as, for reasons best known to myself, I was demonstrating how to land properly when falling from a great height.

At a Scout Jamboree in 1993 at Ballyfin, myself and fellow 1st Lurgan Scout Richard Bell, formerly known as Tooley and latterly as Dinger, won tickets to go parascending.

The experience involved three hours of learning how to land properly so as not to break your legs followed by a few minutes up in the air being dragged along by a jeep.

In trying to recreate the landing carried out with ease by the 15-year-old version of myself, the 35-year-old version managed to land on the bulky zip attached to the back pocket of his combat trousers.

If I’d been acting my age this wouldn’t have happened. Firstly, I shouldn’t have been attempted such a manoeuvre given my advancing years and secondly, as it became apparent, I should have been wearing a more sensible pair of trousers.

Considering I am not entering a warzone on a daily basis I do not need to be wearing combat trousers. I should have paid more heed when buying them and saw that they had more pockets than it was possible for one man to utilise and that the zips presented a logistical nightmare when indulging in everyday pursuits.

And so instead of impressing Lucy and my dad with an impact-distributing ‘drop and roll’ I ended up puncturing my gluteus maximus with a zip.

As I write this week’s column, I am suffering from both a niggling injury to my left shoulder and a nearly-healed wound to my right buttock.

I can’t decide which is more embarrassing. - picking up a mystery injury due to my age or picking up a stupid injury when I’m at an age I should know better.

Upon reflection, it’s the second one, isn’t it? Throwing myself into the air and crashing to the ground in such a way as my zip perforated my backside is infinitely more embarrassing than a shoulder injury of unknown origins.

Time flies

It’s hard to believe that Ben is three and a half week’s old. It feels like two and half weeks maximum since he entered this world. Where does time go to?

For the past couple of weeks Ben has had a touch of jaundice. His skin is giving off a yellow tinge that makes him look like he’d just returned from a fortnight in Magaluf. The fact his pupils are abnormally large and he hasn’t got the power of speech further strengthen the notion he’s been on a two-week bender in the sun.

Thankfully after being sent to the hospital for tests we found out on Tuesday morning there was nothing to be concerned about. They said Ben was a perfectly healthy baby boy, who sooner or later will lose his sunkist glow.

And when he does, like any responsible parents, we’ll be booking him in for a session on the sunbeds.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: The dogs have two and four fleas respectively.

Here’s this week’s teaser: Three ants are walking in the same direction. The first ant has two ants behind him, the second ant has one ant in front of him and one behind him, but the third ant has one ant in front and one ant behind too. How is this possible?