DUP ‘need to wake up and engage with grassroots’

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FROM Clark Kent

I should like to warn the Protestant community to be on the alert, and take precautions, because something strange is happening out there. People who study these things have noticed that great cosmic changes are taking place in the night sky, affecting people’s behaviour to such an extent, they are becoming increasingly irrational; the facts speak for themselves.

Our politicians seem to be operating in another dimension, and so out of touch they are not picking up signals from a community that is floundering, and distressed. Think about it, the DUP has lost contact with the grassroots, and this used to be their strength. The UUP is in a worse mess, running about like dogs in heat chasing their tails, and can’t agree on anything. In the middle of this chaos, other unionists want to break away and form another political party - it beggars belief. All this, while the unionist edifice is crumbling.

You’re tempted to say ‘A plague on all your houses’, but if the ship goes down we’ll all be on it. Peter Robinson said recently the street protests were a wake-up call for unionism. I hope for all our sakes his party gets the message, because this is only the tip of the iceberg.

And just when you think things can’t get any worse, it does! In the field of education the nationalist community, to their credit, have drawn up plans to build state-of-the-art schools at Lismore and St Michael’s that will move their community forward into the twenty first century. In the Protestant sector they can’t agree on even modest reform which is probably too little, too late, anyway. While the nationalist community strides forward with confidence, and a plan that is innovative, exciting and unites their community, the Protestant sector will settle for a ‘sticking-plaster job’ because it suits vested interests, not the children, and keeps our community divided. And then there’s the churches; what can you say? They’re so far removed they are on a different planet. When you put it all together, it’s like some dark, surreal, comedy.

I don’t know about you but I think there’s something bizarre going on here. It’s not normal behaviour. I have studied this indepth and tried to explain it; either those in positions of leadership in our community are in the early stages of dementia, or, and don’t laugh I’m deadly serious, some strange force - and I’m not blaming the TUV - has invaded their bodies and controlling them. You have seen it in science fiction films. When this happens people act totally out of character, and don’t realise they are undermining their own community. If anyone sees what is happening and sounds a warning, they become paranoid and feel threatened.

In the past if we were attacked by some outside agency we could have looked to Flash Gordon for help. You remember the comic book character who could always be relied on to repel space invaders, and let’s face it, we are dealing with comedy aren’t we? I’m just trying to enter into the spirit and capture the mood. Unfortunately Flash seems to have passed on, though some people claim to have seen him recently in disguise, acting under an assumed name.

All I can say is, if he’s still out there, I would appeal to him to beam all these people up, and not to be too selective, take them on board and travel with them to some distant star, where they can all be united with their own kind.

Just like the comic books they could all live happily ever after - and so could we. That way the Protestant community could make a fresh start, engage with the Catholic community from a position of strength, and not be watching side-shows like ‘Basil Brush’ and ‘The Do Goodies’, who may have escaped the cull and been left behind to amuse us. No, we need people who know what they’re doing. If all this happened we could start making real and meaningful progress, because the Catholic community would start taking us seriously. Unless you’re slow on the uptake, you’ll realise I’ve been describing a community that is visually impaired and dysfunctional.

Ok, you think I’m only dreaming, but you have to admit it’s worth a thought. If you don’t, then one of us has a problem.